Past

I was sitting in my closet today and I was thinking about the past. All the things I used to do and all the things I thought were my life. I began to think of how differently I viewed things back then, how closed my mind was. I also thought about the friends I used to have. I remember the days of blood sisters, promises to be friends forever, and thinking that we all would stay together forever, no matter what. I think of now, and all the friends that I lost through time. What happened to those promises? What happened to blood sister oaths? What happened to the thoughts of staying together forever? All the friends I had back then are gone now, moved on or moved away. Despite intentions and efforts to stay in contact, we drifted away from each other. I passed a friend in the hallway a few days ago, and we barley even acknowledged each other. I have lost so much in the past years. As we grew up we grew to old for friendships of those days. When did that happen? I wonder what has happened to each of them, where have their lives taken them? What paths have they chosen? Do they think of me? Do they wonder these same things about me? Do they miss the days of friendship as I do? I watched a movie titled 'Stand by Me' yesterday and at the very end of the movie the main character posed a statement to this affect: I have never had friends like the ones I had when I was young. Does anyone? Those are not the exact words, I changed it a little for my own purpose, but the same point is there. What happened to the times of past and Are they gone forever?

Thank You

I would like to take a moment and thank all those who have taken the time to send gifts. They are all very lovely. The bracelets made of hair and the ring of stone are just beautiful. Thank You so very much for sending me such wonderful things. Yes, I do collect strange and unusual things. I have collected them myself and they have been given to me. And yes, you may send me a gift anytime you wish. If you wish to know my address again please feel free to ask, and I shall give it again. It would be a privilege for me to be thought of so highly that someone, anyone at all, would honor me with a gift. Especially as personal as these were. I wear the bracelets and the ring always. They are beautiful. Again Thank You.

Home

I went to the cliff today, and I jumped.
I looked out over the water, steely gray and cold. The depths seem to summon me, beckon me to their icy core. "Come to me" I hear the sea whisper in the wind. The sea, she calls to me, calling me to return to my home beneath the surface where tears are mixed with those of a thousand lovers who have cried to her. Where pain mixes with the icy cold of the waves and suffering vanishes into the abyss. The oceans of time are laid before me and I long to be home again, lulled to sleep by the crashing of waves against the rocky cliffs, the roar of the wind on the water. As I fall closer and closer to her waiting arms I feel the spray on my face and body. I feel the sting of the liquid ice and the comfort of her touch. Finally, as if I am being born, I crash through the barrier between these two worlds. My eyes are open, the water envelops me, deeper and deeper I sink, visions of my life playing before my eyes like a theater where I am the star. People who knew me, people who did not. "Do not mourn for me" I tell them inside myself " I am home, and I am free".
I went to the cliff today, and I jumped.

Feeling

I feel cold. I feel alone. Is that because I am truly alone or because it goes along with the Gothic Image? So many say they are alone and no one understands them and blah fucking blah. I wonder if they know what it is like to really be alone, really misunderstood. I wonder if they have ever truly felt the icy grip of loneliness on their heart, their spirit. Feel it dragging them down. Would they try so hard to make people think they are truly this way if they knew what it really felt like? Am I as fake as they are? This loneliness that I feel, is it something I can change, something I have made up, or is it something real and I am doomed to have them close to me forever? If I could change it, would I? I have become so close to these feelings of being alone, these feelings of despair, sadness, rage, self hatred that if I were given the opportunity to become happy and calm and love myself, would I take it? No, I wouldn't. These feelings are my home, my sanctuary even if they are fake, how can I leave them? I don't know anything else except that with these feelings I am home and that is where I will stay.

Mirror

What do I see when I look into the mirror?
I see a face with no light shining forth from it,
Lifeless eyes, kiss less lips, touch less cheeks.
What truly looks back at me when I look into the mirror?
Everything I wish to be.

Something Lovely

I was searching the Internet today and I came across some pictures of some of the old freak shows. There were pictures of the Wolf man, the Bearded Lady, Rubber man, Siamese twins, Worlds Smallest People. They were wonderful. My eyes filled with tears as I tried to memorize each picture. What amazing people! What beautiful heroes! Oh, how I wish to be brave as they were. If only I could go back in time to when these marvelous shows were held. I would go and see these extraordinary beings. I should think I would faint from the excitement and the honor of being so close to them. I know this may not seem very important to many people, but to those who were with me on my first page know how dear these beings are to my heart and how incredible they are to me. If only we could be as open minded as they, as accepting.Oh, how breathtaking, simply lovely.

I see

Low there do I see my father,Low there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers.

Low there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning.

Low they do call to me, they bid me take my place among them in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever.

Fear of happiness

Flashes.... All I see are flashes. Flashes of light. I am surrounded by the dark, dark as pitch. When the flashes come, I always wish for the darkness to return though I hate the darkness. Anything is better than the flashes though. When the flashes of light come, the darkness is illuminated and I see what is in the dark around me. There are horrible things I see. They are ugly and grotesque and evil. Everything I see is me. They are all different versions of myself, one more horrible than the last. The darkness I see is in my heart. The flashes come from moments, very brief moments, that I feel something like happiness. When I feel those moments my guard is let down, and the eyes of my soul are opened then I see the real me, and I long for the lonely, cold darkness again. So I ask myself, do I remain in the darkness, blind to myself but forever alone, or do I face my demons, my monsters and let the light shine on?

Crimson Freedom

This crimson flower that flows in my veins. So beautiful, so warm and delicious. From my skin it flows so freely, as free as I wish my spirit could be. Freedom, the wings that the pain and blood give me. I soar above all. My freedom, my crimson freedom. The smell, it makes me close my eyes and dream of a better place, where scars are beautiful and this freedom lurks in every pair of eyes. Where everyone knows true pain and suffering,and so they give in to the ecstasy of their own crimson freedom. The flow of their life, the key to true freedom, the wings of their flight. My wings are stained with this beautiful hearts blood. Will you fly with me?

Questions

I have a few questions.....
Why are some people fortunate enough to find love, and others are not? Why are some of us doomed to walk this world alone and incomplete? Is it something we have done? Is this our punishment? Have we done an unforgivable wrong in a past life that keeps us from happiness in this one? What will it take for us to be redeemed? How can we kill this infection called loneliness, this disease of being unloved? How long will this punishment last? Forever? Until we learn some lesson? How will we know? What have we done? What is our fate now?

Rescue

Everyone wants to be rescued in some way, everyone wants to be taken away from something in their lives that haunts them, that keeps them from living the life that they want. Why do so many people want their rescuer to be me? Why do people have to look up to me? I am no kind of hero. I cannot save myself, what makes them think I can save them? I used to try to help them, but that failed. I did not help anyone. Why are all these eyes on me? I want to live the way I want, and do and feel and believe the way I want to. Does it make me a bad person to want to be left alone? To want to be myself instead of what they want me to be? I am tired of having to hide my true self because it does not agree with their lifestyle or their belief system. Why is everything I want and feel bad? If I am so bad, so evil then why do they still look to me for help? Why do they look up to me when they need me, but look down on me when they don't? If I save anyone I will save myself, not them. I do not want to be in the spotlight anymore. I don't want to be watched anymore.

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have this wish I wish tonight...
I wish to be left alone to be me, and accepted.

Hole

As I stare down this hole, I feel peace.
As I stare down this hole, I feel calm.
As I stare down this hole, I feel ready.
As I stare down this hole, I feel resolute.
As I stare down this hole, I feel love.
As I stare down this hole, I feel free.
As I stare down this hole, I feel life.
As I stare down this hole, I feel the trigger behind it.
What is this hole that all my hopes and dreams lie within? The barrel of a gun.

Sick

I am sick of trying
Sick of lying
Sick of crying
Sick of darkness
Sick of sadness
Sick of loneliness
Sick of fear
Sick of tears
Sick of peers
Sick of blindness
Sick of weakness
Sick of madness
Sick of hate
Sick of love
Sick of life.

Alone

I am so alone
I reach out into the darkness, no one takes my hand
I walk along this path, no one joins me
I speak into the silence, no one answers me
I look into the expanse, no one peers back
I scream, no one hears me
I touch someone, no one feels me
I throw my heart, no one catches it
I give my all, no one receives it
I see my dreams, no one makes them come true
I know fear, no one saves me
I know hate, no one loves me
I know anger, no one calms me
I am so alone

Elements

If I could be anything, I would be the wind. That way I would be with all those who will think of me after I die. When the wind moved their hair, it would be me running my fingers through it. When the wind touched their cheek, it would be me caressing them one last time. When the wind brought to them the scent of flowers, it would be me saying goodbye. I would everywhere and no where. Free, completely and forever free.

Earth, Wind, Water, Fire. If you could be one which would it be? Why?

Beauty

The world is full of cruelty, it is everywhere. But it is the beauty hidden around us that helps us to survive, IF we are willing to look for it. Beauty is in everything and everyone, we just need to look with the eyes of our hearts and souls, not the eyes of our peers or of society. We must see beauty where we believe it to be, not where we are told or taught it should be. A mother with her child, a nude portrait, or the death of a stranger, they are all different types of beauty, but they are all equal in emotion and intensity and passion. The only time beauty is tainted is when it is perceived in the wrong way. When you look at it in the wrong frame of mind or spirit, that is when it becomes wrong or strange or disgusting. There are those who say that certain things are wrong or vulgar, but it is only like that because they look at it that way. If their minds and hearts and souls were free of the images this world wants us to see, if they were free of the standard definition of beauty laid down by fools of this world, then they would see all things as beautiful. True beauty is worth looking for. True beauty is worth holding on to.

Tired

I am tired of being wrong
I am tired of being looked down upon because of what I feel, or think, or believe
I am tired of being blamed for everything
I am tired of being pushed aside because I don't 'fit' in
I am tired of being ignored because I am young
I am tired of being alone
I am tired of being surrounded with no way out
I am tired of being told what to do
I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough
I am tired of my age being looked at instead of me
I am tired of being told I am to young to be in love
I am just tired

Leave me alone

Leave me alone with your encouraging words.
Leave me alone with your expectations, your parental guidance.
Leave me alone with your need of a role model.
Leave me alone with your words of criticism, rebuke, and gossip.
Leave me alone with your future plans.
Leave me alone with your ideas of right and wrong.
Leave me alone with your thoughts on belief, happiness and fulfillment.
Leave me alone with your praise of others.
Leave me alone with your ability to bring guilt and remorse.
Leave me alone with your words of shame and fear.
Leave me alone with should have, could have, would have.
Leave me alone with what I should be doing, how I should be spending my life.
Leave me alone with your feelings.
Leave me alone.

Searching

I find it beautiful that all of us, no matter how different we are from each other, we all are looking for something. We are all bound together by the fact that we are searching for something to hold on to, to believe in, to bring us back to life. We are different in appearance, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, looks, backgrounds, but we come together for a common need. We are all reaching into the darkness for something to take our hand and fill whatever emptiness we may have inside of us. We may all be looking for different things, but our search is the same. Something as little as this need brings the corners of the world together, unites us through a bond that will never be broken. How beautiful to think that someone shares my desperate need to find something to make me feel alive, complete, whole, to even just feel at all. We are in this together.

Tomorrow

If I died tomorrow, who would know?
Who would care?
Who would rescue me if I called for them?
Who would hear me?
Who would try to stop me from leaving this world if they knew beforehand?
Who would come to my funeral and cry and say "If only...."?
Who would be strong enough or courageous enough to show me these "If only's" before I die? Who would come and show me a better life?
Who would show me the love I have always wanted?
Who would come and take me away from here?
Who will come and save me from tomorrow?
If I died tomorrow, who would know?

Come to me

Come to me tonight.
Come to me in the light of the moon, silent and confident.
Come to me through my window, the door to my world.
Come to me as a lover, a bringer of peace.
Come to me in the dark and touch my body, my mind, my heart.
Come to me and touch me like a shadow, icy, soft and beautiful.
Come to me as my rescuer, my hero, my protector from the world.
Come to me and whisper hope into my ear.
Come to me and bring me back from the dead.
Come to me and show me love worth fighting for, worth killing for, worth dying for.
Come to me and show me sacrifice.
Come to me and show me your true self, and reveal to me mine.
Come to me and be my life forever.

One more step

I must not give in
I must keep going
One more step

I must not give up
I must keep going
One more step

I must survive this life
I must keep going
One more step

I must look for the sun
I must keep going
One more step

I must make it through this nightmare
I must keep going
One more step

I must live this pain
I must keep going
One more step

I must know this isolation
I must keep going
One more step

I must carry on
I must keep going
One more step

I must remember this fight
I must keep going
One more step

You

In the day I think of you
In the night I dream of you
In the silence I hear you
In the pain I feel you
In the blood I taste you
In the heart I am you

Anger

Anger
Ripping through my heart
Shredding my self control
Killing my love
Wounding my hope
Tearing up my sanity
Driving away my calm
Taking away my progress
Sinking my dreams
Becoming my everything
Taking the place of all I hold dear
The only thing that is constant and close
Anger

Ashamed

I asked myself today why I am ashamed of myself. When did I start to think of myself as not being good enough or not up to par? I look around me and I see so many who will not meet my eyes because they feel ashamed of themselves like I do. Why is this? Why do we feel this way? I do not want be ashamed of who I am and what I want or what I feel and think and believe. This is me, when did that become something bad? When did it become such a bad thing to be me? Just because someone does not like who I am or the things that I choose or the style of clothes that I wear, that does not make me lower than anyone else. It does not make me a bad person. I am not beneath anyone. I am not inferior. I am me, and that is okay. I AM dark and I am weird and I am strange and unusual and eccentric, and that is okay. You can call me whatever you like, I do not care anymore. I will not be ashamed to be myself. I will not cower away in the corner because I do not fit in. I will embrace every weirdness, every peculiarity about myself. I will shout it from the roof tops " I am me and I am okay with that". This is who I really am , if people do not like that then they can cross the street, or look the other way, but no longer will I punish myself for being different. I am not ashamed. I am me and that is beautiful.

Sweet Dreams

We lie here together, side by side, staring at each other between the flashes of our lives. Our hearts blood running from our veins and joining together on the bathroom floor. Just as our blood becomes one here so our souls will be one on the other side. We are the last thing each other sees before the dim and dark take our sight from us. Together we sleep, together we die and together we fly to a place where there is no pain, no hurt, sadness, anger, or sorrow. A place where there is no you, there is no me, there is only us. A place where forever actually exists, hearts are whole, love is complete and anything is possible. Peace is everywhere. We are one and the same, we can never be parted. So we will take these razors and commit ourselves to each other for always and forever. We will sleep here together and wake in that beautiful place. Sweet dreams my love, sweet dreams.