Fear of happiness

Flashes.... All I see are flashes. Flashes of light. I am surrounded by the dark, dark as pitch. When the flashes come, I always wish for the darkness to return though I hate the darkness. Anything is better than the flashes though. When the flashes of light come, the darkness is illuminated and I see what is in the dark around me. There are horrible things I see. They are ugly and grotesque and evil. Everything I see is me. They are all different versions of myself, one more horrible than the last. The darkness I see is in my heart. The flashes come from moments, very brief moments, that I feel something like happiness. When I feel those moments my guard is let down, and the eyes of my soul are opened then I see the real me, and I long for the lonely, cold darkness again. So I ask myself, do I remain in the darkness, blind to myself but forever alone, or do I face my demons, my monsters and let the light shine on?